The automation that has happened at KQED is causing a human-sized game of dominoes such that the person who worked the overnight shift of 11pm-5am slides into my weekend job and I am back to on-call only. My security, health benefits, vacation time, and my status as an employee - it’s gone.
You can laugh or cry and I choose to keep smilin’ - most of the time! Although, having said all that, I do believe we should normalize the occasional ugly cry breakdown. (Is it a breakdown or a breakthrough?) Tears release your stress chemicals and after the storm comes the sunset. Yes, these platitudes are for reals in my book!
These photos are about five and half years apart - one, the day I became a staff member after 19 years of being on-call at KQED Public Radio in San Francisco, California, and the other one, well, near the day I go back to being on-call.
My job on air - announcing and operating - the heritage public radio station of San Francisco and the greater Bay Area plus Sacramento and San Jose - from 5am-2pm on weekends (plus additional fill-in) has allowed me a modest yet secure-feeling lifestyle in the Bay Area. Maybe you’ve heard my voice while making pancakes on a Sunday morning or in your car doing Saturday errands or on your way to some great hiking spot. People who know me know I whole-heartedly agree with pancakes and hikes. I just happen to not do them at the same time as most of you all.
Here’s an example of me in action on Morning Edition
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There are times now and then when a person recognizes my name and/or my voice out in the community. I feel, “Wow, Cool” and have a tendency to ask, “Did I sound alright?” That might appear needy or insecure but I do it because my pal and one-time mentor in the early days, Johnny Mack, used to say that to people who said the same thing to him in public. It struck me as charming, vulnerable and disarming at the time, and it still does although I’m open to new ideas. How about “Yay, thanks for noticing!”
I love being on the radio and I’ve been doing it for a very long time now and I’ll still be doing it, just with a different status and frequency. The 19 years of on-call work I did before the much longed for staff position coincided with (a now defunct) marriage and the life of my children from infancy and toddlerhood to young adulthood. My mothering job has also shifted from full-time to more of an on-call position as well (at least, I HOPE they’ll call! -heehee)
For the third time in my long career of 40 years at more than a dozen stations in four different countries, automation is kicking me out of my job. In 2000, KFOG automated its overnights so my job there was eliminated. I moved over to KQED that same year. In late 2008, KQED did its first round of automating the overnights and the result was a steep decrease in hours. In fact, in 2009 to 2010, I went from Oct to April without a single shift.
That morning in April, when the call came asking me to come in that day for 2-11pm on a Friday (one of the most demanding shifts of the week at that time due to our old-fashioned, analog system) my children had already left for school. I calmly said yes, hung up and promptly burst into tears. I really let ‘er rip! The outburst lasted just two minutes and as I hiccuped myself back to calm I thought, this is good! Tears contain stress chemicals and now they’ve been released. I packed an extra big lunch and went and taught my 9:30 and 11:30 yoga classes at the Marin YMCA and headed straight to the station.
I sat down at the board after seven months of being away, looked at the console and said to myself in a Betty Boop voice, “look at all the pretty colors.” The tabs on the board were bright green, red, and white. Very Christmasy. I was trying to hear myself think through the banging of my heart. But that shift - and I did give it up to God - went flawlessly and proved to be a turning point in my life and my confidence. I thought, if I can sit down and do this job after being away for SEVEN MONTHS, I can pretty much do anything.
“You say the pilot is dead and you need someone to land this plane? I got this!”
Radio can be such a kick - and it can also be quite tedious. I’m sure there are many jobs that fit that description - that particular cocktail of tedium and terrifying. (I’d love to hear from you in the Comments about the spicy and boring aspects that make up your career choices.)
I’m not playing the world’s tiniest violin for myself, but I do have to reinvent my life in such a way that I can keep paying my bills and add new ones like health care premiums. Akira Kurosawa once said, “I can’t afford to hate anyone; I don’t have that kind of time.” I would add to that: I can’t afford to wallow in worry and regret and nostalgia because ain’t nobody got that kind of time!
During a staycation weekend in June - feeling kind of sorry for myself - I went to a free music festival where a blues singer sang a song with the refrain, “You’re not old ‘til you’re cold.” He was a sixty something angel-faced man bouncing around the stage with a shit-eating smile and I thought, “Damn, I’m not old ‘til I’m cold.” Let me dish up some of that for myself and I whooped and whirled along with the crowd.
I have some ideas of what to do and one of them is doing what I’m doing here - writing. I’ve always wanted to do a Substack so here goes. Check out my song pick of the week and “Three Treasures” Mind/Body segment below. If you can subscribe or pass along, I’d really appreciate it. If you want to support my writing in more tangible way, that’s very cool, too, but no pressure.
TALK ABOUT WORK AND SLEEP AND CRAZY HOURS: In all my years of getting up at 3:45am on a regular basis followed by working nine hours straight, I’ve never taken a sleep aid. I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that it didn’t occur to me. I do well with my teas and oils, asanas and breathing techniques. I’ve had some rough nights here and there - especially lately - but insomnia is an aberration as opposed to a pattern. Apparently, I have “the gift of sleep” as my sisters and mother would say. Interesting aside: my eldest daughter Olivia Murillo is a sleep scientist with the Oura Ring company which tracks your sleep and health, etc. I don’t wear their ring as of yet although I might start! Is it possible to be a thoroughly modern luddite? Would that be a better name for this Substack??
Reporting to you live from a third floor studio apartment on top of a great big rock of a hill in the Grand Lake neighborhood of Oakland complete with a balcony view of the Bay and Golden Gate Bridge and even Mt Tam, this is Beth saying THANK YOU for reading and please do enjoy my Song Pick of the Week and also, the “Three Treasures” segment below.
MIND/BODY/SPIRIT “YOUR THREE TREASURES” TIP OF THE WEEK!
“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but their true beauty is revealed only after the darkness has fallen and there is light from within.” *
Think about that while laying out on some clean green grass with your hands behind your head, if you can, or with your arms down by your side if that’s better. Have your legs bent with your feet on the ground and allow your knees to fall together, touching. This will put your lumbar spine into its neutral curve. Avoid any jutting of the rib cage as you breathe in, and then breathe in again a little more and then enjoy your primordial sigh.
*This quote comes from the book “On Death & Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.
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Loved Robbie Robertson. Loved your words.
Loved going on a tour of your radio career.